LATER SCHOOL YEARS
The later school years are those that usually finish the compulsory education requirements. These are often the years that bring a new set of concerns as siblings prepare for a transition to university, career preparation, or entry into the workforce.
Many of the developmental, emotional and social changes that began in puberty in the early teenage years, continue to play a major role as the siblings consider not only their own needs, but those of their sibling(s) as well. They are navigating choices for themselves, but also for the possible impact those choices will have upon their sibling relationship. The situation is complicated further by the expectations others may have for them individually and as a sibling pair. The key to all of these issues is clear and frequent communication. It’s critical that siblings express their needs and wants, not only to each other, but to parents, family, teachers and friends.
Here are some of the more common areas and situations that require attention during these later academic years:
EXAMS AND TESTS
Exams bring an added stress to same-age siblings. They are concerned about their personal performance, but also have the additional concern of being compared and judged by their sibling and their friends. Such judgments can contribute to uncomfortable levels of stress and competition that may affect their academic performance and motivation. Many siblings at this stage negotiate how often and to what degree they want to compete or be compared. However, having set the limits with each other, they may still feel pressure from peers and teachers to compete and be compared. It’s important in such cases to refrain from adding additional pressures to the sibling relationship.
There is added pressure for same-age siblings to perform similarly on high stakes assessments such as tests and exams. This can bring added and unwanted pressure that can be counterproductive. It can also cause problems for the relationship between the siblings, who may or may not have found ways to deal with such comparisons. Teachers and peers need to understand that siblings may resent such comparing and the judgments that accompany it.
So, it’s important to avoid the impulse to compare and judge one sibling based on the performance or achievement of the other. And furthermore, it’s often necessary to help others see the ways such comparisons can lead to added stress and anxiety.
By the later school years, many sibling sets decide upon “areas of interest” or subjects they choose to excel at so as to avoid some of these comparisons and competitions. These years may also be a time of exploring and establishing which subjects, interests, talents, and hobbies/ sports they will engage in. Each choice, hopefully establishes and further defines their relationship with their sibling(s), as well as defining their own individuality.
INDEPENDENCE: Establishing one’s independence during these years is paramount. And although it began in early adolescence and will not be fully realized until adulthood, the later school years are crucial to the discovery of autonomy. Again, the fact that one’s decisions will also be viewed in light of their sibling’s, can be an extra challenge. But there are ways to allow each child to make and test their own personal choices.
These choices and opportunities avail themselves in some of the common experiences:
Choice of extracurricular activities: After school or school-related clubs, events, and sports involvement, are great ways to allow siblings to choose and experiment with developing their own independence.
The are also ways for others to get to know them as individuals with unique interests and abilities. Such experiences can be healthy ways to contribute to and appreciate both one’s individuality and one’s uniqueness as part of the twinship as well.
Automobile / Driving: The desire for independence is often connected to the desire to learn to drive Many young people begin to see this as a great transition point, one of greater responsibility and expectation. For twins and multiples, this requires even more negotiation and possible planning, as well as, financial considerations for the family.
DATING / Relationships: Another area of great concern and development are romantic feeling and first serious relationships, courting or dating. This can be another adjustment for siblings who may feel compelled to compete or resent the relationships their closest sibling may be cultivating. Communication becomes essential. And each sibling relationship will need to find unique ways to address concerns and issues as they arise.
- Some common questions siblings may be dealing with include: When do I start dating? What if my romantic interests cause problems with my sibling relationship? Do I care if my twin has a boyfriend / girlfriend, and I don’t? Am I comfortable with my sexuality?
It’s also necessary that peers, family, and the one’s who become romantically involved with the sibling, realize the need to open and respectful communication that honors the choices one makes. There is no need to pressure or expect one sibling of a set to behave or replicate the behavior of the other sibling. Again, such expectations and comparisons are more often unproductive and may lead to deep resentment.
CAREER / Professional Preparation: Selecting a path for a future career or profession can be another path of divergence for the same-age siblings. This most often and clearly begins in these later school years. Siblings gradually make academic, skill, and aptitude choices that lead them into particular careers or professions.
Teachers, mentors and counselors can be very helpful in confirming and supporting their choices as they explore jobs, careers, and professions. In many cases, students in these years also take on their first jobs and explore the “working” environment. Some students may also take an interest in shadowing others in professions or careers they may be interested in. These again, are opportunities for each sibling to explore their own interests, talents, and skills.
Some common questions students at this stage may be: What am I good at as an individual? Do others see me as having my own identity? What do I want to pursue for my career / profession?
PREPARING FOR CAREER or UNIVERISTY: Deciding where to pursue your career or job opportunities is another important part of the later school years. Even if communication is strong between siblings, there may be concerns and questions about what the future will bring. If siblings decide upon the same career or university, other complications arise. Siblings may need to select housing and program specializations within their career or educational pursuits after the traditional later school years. They may have to deal with some of the common questions like: Am I comfortable begin separated from my family and sibling(s) for extended periods of time as I pursue my own career or university? Which career program will I choose and where? Will I still be able to have time and opportunities to spend time with my sibling(s)? If we decide upon the same university / career program, should we share living accommodations or live apart? Am I comfortable with who I am becoming, as a young adult, apart from my parents & siblings?
SPIRITUAL / RELIGIOUS CONCERNS: In these later school years, students may make important decisions of faith and personal beliefs. These often involve challenging and exploring the traditions and experiences they have known since childhood. Parents, extended family and friend, and peers may play an important part in deciding the role and value of one’s faith. Siblings may find comfort in knowing they may be confronting and exploring many of the same faith issues and questions. Communication about such issues and questions may bring siblings closer together.
Some of the more common concerns and questions include: What about spiritual / religious traditions? Do I honor them because of my parents? Do I find my own spiritual / religious path? What part will my sibling play? Will I continue to practice the traditions or faith practices of my parents and family?