Twin Resource: Common Issues / Challenges Across the Twin Sibling Lifespan
Issues Affecting Twins / Multiples at All Ages: These issues appear across all ages and educational levels. Therefore, it’s important to view them from a wider perspective, realizing that these issues wax and wane but are never fully resolved at one age or stage.
Individual Identity: Includes the strong sense of one’s individual traits, strengths, and abilities, but also appreciates and celebrates the sibling bond as an important part of one’s identity.
How can we encourage this? By getting to know each person for who they are and what they like and, taking time to also celebrate their siblings and the role they play in one’s emotional, social, and cognitive development. Enable siblings to partake in events and activities alone, even if they express interest in the same interests. Encourage different subjects, sporting events, times with grandparents and parents (or other relatives), individual friends (as well as, shared friends).
For young children… spend time with individuals, cultivating their unique perspectives and their talents and abilities by encouraging them to try new things and develop individual likes and dislikes… Encourage individual hobbies, friends, choices of foods, clothing, etc.
For middle age children… The role of friends becomes a major part of one’s struggle to find out who they are and who they are becoming… Encourage individual friendships, and if there are romantic inclinations…encourage introspection on what uniquely attracts us to others.
For older students…in later school years, students will naturally gravitate to different subject areas of interest, different teachers, different hobbies / sports…etc. Encourage these as ways to explore one’s personal individual identity, strengths, and talents. This will also include future job prospects and career or professional aspirations. Encourage career exploration by volunteering or working at part time jobs that may be related to future job / career goals. Individual jobs are great ways to explore personal strengths, motivations, and individual work ethic. The ultimate question should be…where are your passions or your deep interests, and how do / can those be applied to a future career / profession?
Another challenge for many older students is the application and selection of a college or university. The choice is somewhat more complicated for same-age siblings because financial considerations are often more challenging for families to plan around. In addition, many siblings may struggle with the decision of selecting an institution for academic, career, or twin relationship reasons. All of these factors must be considered and balanced in the light of selecting an academic university or professional school. They should be considered over time and decisions made after careful reflection.
Regardless of the higher education decision, other decisions will follow such as: Who will I room with or arrange transportation to/from university? How often will I be able to communication / see my sibling(s) / my family? How far can I be from sibling(s) or my family where I’m still comfortable? IF my sibling and I choose the same university, how will I deal with others who may think we did it to be together?
———
Competition / Cooperation:
Initially, competition and cooperation are part of day to day interactions in the family and home. Competition can be more intensive between twins and multiples but is not usually t a major problem if parents mediate and encourage / facilitate a cooperative and conflict resolution approach. The issues usually arise when friends, peers, or “outsiders” expect, highlight, or encourage a competition that the siblings would rather not engage in.. Even teachers may expect or encourage such a spirit of competition. Some siblings make conscience decisions regarding competition, sometimes deliberately choosing different sports, hobbies or favorite subjects so to avoid the frequency of competition. Some siblings, find the spirit of competition enjoyable and motivational. It is most important to understand that each set of siblings has a unique way in which they perceive, accept and deal with competition. It is important to listen to them and respect their levels of comfort rather than expecting them to conform to our expectations regarding competitiveness.
For young children, competition may occur with having their own personal possessions (toys) and space. When they enter school, other children may expect them to compete, either with each other or as a team. Teachers and adults need to discourage such competitiveness, because it often places additional stress on the children. As young children in the setting make friends, it’s important that multiples have both common and individual friends..
Middle age children often find themselves immersed in a wide variety of activities, sports, clubs, etc. It’s in these activities that competition may heighten and be looked upon as a healthy or stressful situation. Again, allowing siblings to grow and not be coerced or expected to compete is the best advice.
Competition continues in some forms into adulthood, although many siblings have learned coping strategies by this time. However, it may still be seen as a negative force if one is always compared and judged on the basis of their closest sibling and his / her successes. Siblings need to express to friends and coworkers their levels of tolerance for such comparisons and competitions. Friends and coworkers need to be respectful of the needs and desires of twins / multiples in such comparisons.
——————————————
Communication:
Patterns of communication develop early in all children. However, in twinship and close sibling relationships they are often stronger and unique. We can begin to understand the twin relationship by thinking about the ways two individuals who know each other extremely well are able to communicate in more effective and efficient ways. Some have described twin sibling communication as a “superhighway” where thoughts and ideas pass easily.
We need to respect, encourage and seek to understand the need for such communication between twin siblings. Such communication is usually productive, useful and even comforting. In rare instances it may interfere with communication with others or with one sibling communicating with the other…and these cases may require special attention. However, in most cases, we need to allow the siblings to have time to share important events, news, ideas with each other. It’s part of the emotional and social bonding that can contribute to a well-adjusted personality and self-confidence. It’s also important to consider that many decisions we may presume to involve or affect only one sibling, should be considered and, shared in light of the other sibling. This is especially important in cases where one sibling may be severely ill or require special services. Periods of prolonged separation need to be understood in terms of how this will affect twin communication and the twin relationship.
Many of the benefits of being a twin or having a twin sibling contribute to improved communication between siblings. Contrary to many popular notions, the vast majority of twins share happy and healthy relationships with each other and their families. Below are some of the benefits twin siblings cite as being important.
BENEFITS of being a TWIN or Multiple Sibling….
- emotional security, especially in the early grades and upon entering school;
- having a study partner who would be available and able to help out with each other’s weaknesses;
- providing a “healthy” competition or sense of expectation of one’s own academic abilities;
- recognition by teachers and increased attention in learning situations; and,
- easier communication with their twin and having someone to study with who can explain problems or answer questions efficiently.
For early childhood, allow time for the twin siblings to see each other and visit with each other, especially if they are separated for extended periods of time. Respect their close bond and encourage other children to realize how important it can be for siblings. Foster good communication between twin siblings, peers and adults. Encourage siblings to express their needs and desires clearly.
In middle grades, students will spend more time apart and develop more individual interests. Communication will become paramount if some interests are shared or if siblings enter contests, go out for the same sport, or drama play. Encourage them to share their concerns, but also to go for what they truly want. Beware that adults don’t make decisions based on their twin relationship instead of individual interest, talent or performance.
In older grades and in adulthood, the issues of communication often arise with regard to lifestyle, choice of career / profession, and romantic relationships. As one decides where to live and what they will do in their life as a developing adult, the support and understanding of their sibling(s) is even more valuable. Career and romance / dating issues may also require frequent communication. However, not all siblings “open up” to the same degree. In some cases, one sibling may expect or desire more support than the other. This is the time and place where clear and honest conversations are essential.